Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Déjà vu

How to fit the last couple of months into one blog post.....from the beginning I guess.  A good friend came to us shortly after the loss of our daughter and said when we were ready, she and her husband were ready to talk to us about being a surrogate.  This wasn't the first time we had have this conversation with her, but this time was different.  I had to take some time to be okay with it.  After a lot of mourning, crying and praying, I was there.  Admitting that your body is just not going to do something you want it to do as a women is something I don't think I can explain.  I've told my husband a hundred times, "I know you love me and support me, but as a man, you will just never understand this". 
So, finally, we were ready.  We found another old friend that was an attorney who helped us get started on the contract.  You would think that 4 people who mutually agreed on everything with little stipulation would make a surrogacy contract pretty simple, but it's actually a pretty complicated process.  We made the first appointment with the fertility doctor, in which he determined she is pretty much a perfect candidate for a surrogate. We have had a couple of hiccups along the way, just in the matter of timing things, but guys.....we are THIS close to the big day. Like this week!!!  It's amazing how fast the time has flown since we got started.  I can't tell you how interesting this has been for me to be on the other side of the doctor's appointments.  I go with her and see things I don't remember ever seeing before.  I am soaking all these things in I was too stressed out to soak in before.
Don't get me wrong.....the fear is still there.  I am scared to death.  I want to have 1,000,000% faith that this is going to be perfect, but I feel like that's impossible for me at this point.  Letting go feels like losing control, and I feel like I just got some control back.  I am over the top, beyond excited, but my reality is I've never been able to celebrate the happy ending during this whole process, so I don't know how to let go of the disappointments.
I hope to have good news to share with you soon. There are obviously no guarantees, but we are all optimistic. There is no reason not to be, so I'm trying to remember that! Keep us in your thoughts and prayers this week!!

Monday, June 8, 2015

I'm Seeing Someone...

So, I did it. After a silly fight that wasn't really a fight, and a breakdown in a restaurant parking lot, my husband and I decided I had to seek some professional help.  He told me "This is the one thing I can't fix for you.  You need to go talk to someone and work this grief out.  I will go with you, I will do whatever you need me to".  So reluctantly, I did.  It's been about 3 weeks now, and although I hate (like, HATE), being vulnerable, and crying in front a stranger for 50 minutes on my lunch hour isn't exactly how I like to spend a Wednesday afternoon, it's what I needed.  I realized that the biggest thing I needed to do and accomplish before we could move forward in this process of  baby-making was accepting that I was not going to have this baby myself.  That is a huge load my friends.  Accepting that your body just cannot do something like this, something that in your heart and soul feel like it should do is hard.  I can't say I'm 100% over it yet, but I'm certainly much more at peace with it now.  My doctor kind of said it best a few weeks ago when I was in his office.  He hugged me and said, "Sometimes Mother Nature just says has different plans, but that doesn't mean it's over."
So, we're moving forward and we're okay.  Surrogacy is where our heart is, and we have some exciting things coming into our lives where it is concerned.  I don't want to share too much yet, but I'm sure we will in time.  Just know so far things are falling into place and we are THRILLED.

On a side, did you notice by new blog design?  I have worked with Jenn at Munchkin Land Designs for a couple of years now, and she always gives me exactly what I pictured.  Simple, chic, and perfectly me.  Check her out - she does all kind of great graphic work!  (This is totally un-sponsored, I just love her work!)

Tuesday, May 26, 2015


This subject has been so weird, I don't even know where to begin.  It's uncomfortable and embarrassing.  I have no idea how to handle it. 
What do you say when people still think you are pregnant?
It has come up at work and a couple of other times.
I mean.......I really have no idea where to go here.  One person asked me how I was feeling 3 times before I told her.  I just kept telling her I felt fine.  
First, I feel bad for them.  I know, I should be the one feeling bad, right?  I'm the one in the awful spot.  I'm the one that has to retell a story I'd rather not.  I feel bad they are the ones with the awful foot-in-mouth look.  I feel bad they have no idea what to say - to the point I am the ones consoling them for their awful mistake.  Then, I feel bad because......do I look seven months pregnant?! Come on, guys, cut me some slack here.  Geez.
And, cue immediate diet.  Thank you hormones.

When it comes up one-on-one I can usually handle it and just sort of walk away from it feeling like I did okay.  But a few weeks ago it came up in a big social situation, and ya'll it was A-W-K....awkward.  I felt awful for the poor, sweet guy that brought it up.  Talk about stopping a room in it's tracks.  How do you turn that conversation around?  Let's just say it ended in a lot of nervous laughter and everyone stuffing their faces with appetizers. 

It's been 3 months and yet, there are still things that we have to deal with every day.  Those BabyCenter pregnancy updates that won't ago away, even though I've unsubscribed seven times. The coupons that come in the mail for diapers and formula.  I know, universe!  I don't need your nasty reminders.

Isn't this what Facebook is for?  To broadcast my life so I don't have to.  

Sunday, May 10, 2015

The Day...

This day comes every year, and I try to keep it low-key and move past it without too much fuss.  Mother's Day is an awkward time for me.  I want to celebrate my own mother because she is the bomb, but the other half of me feels so disconnected.  It brings up so many emotions - it can be suffocating.  Last year, I was a complete mess.  The reality of realizing I should have been about to welcome our first baby together overwhelmed me and I spent all day in tears.  I feel like this year would have been the same, considering my due date is approaching in late July, but (thankfully?) I was distracted by studying for an exam.  
I lost a baby on my birthday, one 2 days before Valentine's Day, and now I feel like I have to "survive" these holidays every year. Each day that should be a first is a first "without".  I know one day I won't feel this way and these emotions will be a thing of the past.  Until then, I encourage any of you that have suffered a loss to remember, we ARE all mothers.  We carried those beautiful, living creatures inside us of and nurtured them until it was time for them to serve their purposes elsewhere.  We don't have to create big celebrations, but let's not bury this day completely. I will try and not forget this day for the sake of my angels, because I would never want to feel like their tiny, short lives didn't matter.  We worked so hard to create them, and they were worth every moment.  One day, when we do welcome the baby we have fought so hard for, they will know about their precious siblings that were taken too soon and made their Mommy a mother before she ever gave birth to them.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you - with your babies here or in Heaven! 

Thursday, April 2, 2015

The Joke...

April Fools' Day is one I have never understood.  For kids, I can see how it's entertaining to pull juvenile pranks on friends.  As adults, I have yet to get the humor in it.  I don't know, it just seems immature and a waste of time in my overly blunt honest opinion.  There is one joke in particular I really have never understood.  
The "I'm Pregnant" Joke.

Source: Google Images
Every year, this issue comes up in my home and my heart.  Let me say, I have a sense a humor.  I feel like I have a pretty good one at that. I don't want to come off as screaming from my soapbox, because there are those people that think us "infertiles" don't deserve any empathy - as referenced below:

Source: Google Images

There is no doubt in my mind that those that use this joke don't intend to hurt anyone.  It is truly just for fun - in the spirit of the day.  The reactions from friends, family and others are exactly what they are looking for - shock for a moment from some, and then the realization of what it really is; just a great laugh.  Those people are able to take it with a grain of salt and move on without a second thought.  They may not see people like me, who scroll through as quickly as possible, who hide the post from their timeline, who avoid social media, and who most certainly don't laugh and find it as a joke.  For me, pregnancy announcements are no joke.  Mine were the greatest Facebook and social media posts I've ever made.  Pregnancy was the greatest accomplishment of my life.  It was not a joke.  It was something I fought for every day.  It has nothing to do with not having a sense of humor.  It has to do with living with failure and pain every single day.  It isn't necessary for you to understand or relate to what I or others are going through.  It's just being kind.  It's having human decency.  Don't knowingly cause more pain to a group of people when there are many other alternative to get a laugh and have fun.

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Married to my best friend.  Infertile Myrtle.  Multiple miscarriage survivor to 2 angels in Heaven.  Blogger. Vlogger. Photographer.  Sports are my therapy.
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