Monday, June 8, 2015

I'm Seeing Someone...

So, I did it. After a silly fight that wasn't really a fight, and a breakdown in a restaurant parking lot, my husband and I decided I had to seek some professional help.  He told me "This is the one thing I can't fix for you.  You need to go talk to someone and work this grief out.  I will go with you, I will do whatever you need me to".  So reluctantly, I did.  It's been about 3 weeks now, and although I hate (like, HATE), being vulnerable, and crying in front a stranger for 50 minutes on my lunch hour isn't exactly how I like to spend a Wednesday afternoon, it's what I needed.  I realized that the biggest thing I needed to do and accomplish before we could move forward in this process of  baby-making was accepting that I was not going to have this baby myself.  That is a huge load my friends.  Accepting that your body just cannot do something like this, something that in your heart and soul feel like it should do is hard.  I can't say I'm 100% over it yet, but I'm certainly much more at peace with it now.  My doctor kind of said it best a few weeks ago when I was in his office.  He hugged me and said, "Sometimes Mother Nature just says has different plans, but that doesn't mean it's over."
So, we're moving forward and we're okay.  Surrogacy is where our heart is, and we have some exciting things coming into our lives where it is concerned.  I don't want to share too much yet, but I'm sure we will in time.  Just know so far things are falling into place and we are THRILLED.

On a side, did you notice by new blog design?  I have worked with Jenn at Munchkin Land Designs for a couple of years now, and she always gives me exactly what I pictured.  Simple, chic, and perfectly me.  Check her out - she does all kind of great graphic work!  (This is totally un-sponsored, I just love her work!)

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Just...Stop....

This subject has been so weird, I don't even know where to begin.  It's uncomfortable and embarrassing.  I have no idea how to handle it. 
What do you say when people still think you are pregnant?
It has come up at work and a couple of other times.
I mean.......I really have no idea where to go here.  One person asked me how I was feeling 3 times before I told her.  I just kept telling her I felt fine.  
First, I feel bad for them.  I know, I should be the one feeling bad, right?  I'm the one in the awful spot.  I'm the one that has to retell a story I'd rather not.  I feel bad they are the ones with the awful foot-in-mouth look.  I feel bad they have no idea what to say - to the point I am the ones consoling them for their awful mistake.  Then, I feel bad because......do I look seven months pregnant?! Come on, guys, cut me some slack here.  Geez.
And, cue immediate diet.  Thank you hormones.

When it comes up one-on-one I can usually handle it and just sort of walk away from it feeling like I did okay.  But a few weeks ago it came up in a big social situation, and ya'll it was A-W-K....awkward.  I felt awful for the poor, sweet guy that brought it up.  Talk about stopping a room in it's tracks.  How do you turn that conversation around?  Let's just say it ended in a lot of nervous laughter and everyone stuffing their faces with appetizers. 

It's been 3 months and yet, there are still things that we have to deal with every day.  Those BabyCenter pregnancy updates that won't ago away, even though I've unsubscribed seven times. The coupons that come in the mail for diapers and formula.  I know, universe!  I don't need your nasty reminders.

Isn't this what Facebook is for?  To broadcast my life so I don't have to.  




Sunday, May 10, 2015

The Day...

This day comes every year, and I try to keep it low-key and move past it without too much fuss.  Mother's Day is an awkward time for me.  I want to celebrate my own mother because she is the bomb, but the other half of me feels so disconnected.  It brings up so many emotions - it can be suffocating.  Last year, I was a complete mess.  The reality of realizing I should have been about to welcome our first baby together overwhelmed me and I spent all day in tears.  I feel like this year would have been the same, considering my due date is approaching in late July, but (thankfully?) I was distracted by studying for an exam.  
I lost a baby on my birthday, one 2 days before Valentine's Day, and now I feel like I have to "survive" these holidays every year. Each day that should be a first is a first "without".  I know one day I won't feel this way and these emotions will be a thing of the past.  Until then, I encourage any of you that have suffered a loss to remember, we ARE all mothers.  We carried those beautiful, living creatures inside us of and nurtured them until it was time for them to serve their purposes elsewhere.  We don't have to create big celebrations, but let's not bury this day completely. I will try and not forget this day for the sake of my angels, because I would never want to feel like their tiny, short lives didn't matter.  We worked so hard to create them, and they were worth every moment.  One day, when we do welcome the baby we have fought so hard for, they will know about their precious siblings that were taken too soon and made their Mommy a mother before she ever gave birth to them.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you - with your babies here or in Heaven! 





Thursday, April 2, 2015

The Joke...

April Fools' Day is one I have never understood.  For kids, I can see how it's entertaining to pull juvenile pranks on friends.  As adults, I have yet to get the humor in it.  I don't know, it just seems immature and a waste of time in my overly blunt honest opinion.  There is one joke in particular I really have never understood.  
The "I'm Pregnant" Joke.

Source: Google Images
Every year, this issue comes up in my home and my heart.  Let me say, I have a sense a humor.  I feel like I have a pretty good one at that. I don't want to come off as screaming from my soapbox, because there are those people that think us "infertiles" don't deserve any empathy - as referenced below:

Source: Google Images


There is no doubt in my mind that those that use this joke don't intend to hurt anyone.  It is truly just for fun - in the spirit of the day.  The reactions from friends, family and others are exactly what they are looking for - shock for a moment from some, and then the realization of what it really is; just a great laugh.  Those people are able to take it with a grain of salt and move on without a second thought.  They may not see people like me, who scroll through as quickly as possible, who hide the post from their timeline, who avoid social media, and who most certainly don't laugh and find it as a joke.  For me, pregnancy announcements are no joke.  Mine were the greatest Facebook and social media posts I've ever made.  Pregnancy was the greatest accomplishment of my life.  It was not a joke.  It was something I fought for every day.  It has nothing to do with not having a sense of humor.  It has to do with living with failure and pain every single day.  It isn't necessary for you to understand or relate to what I or others are going through.  It's just being kind.  It's having human decency.  Don't knowingly cause more pain to a group of people when there are many other alternative to get a laugh and have fun.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Answers....

I got that phone call yesterday we had been waiting on for almost 6 weeks.  The OB's office had received our chromosomal testing back from the baby.  I had been waiting on and dreading this moment since the day we found out the baby had passed away.
Our baby had what's called Turner's Syndrome.  It is a condition in which a female is completely missing an X chromosome.  There are no known environmental risks, and my doctor said it really was just a random error that happened early on in the embryo development.  She said 99% of Turner-syndrome conceptions end in spontaneous abortion or stillbirth, so there really was nothing we could have done.  Even if our little girl had survived to birth, she may not have lived long, or she may have had a very hard life, so we feel like this was God's way of doing what he thought was best.
We talked about it last night, and decided that since we never found out exactly what happened to our last baby, and were never able to find out if it was a boy or girl, we wanted to give our little girl a name this time.  We feel like it will help to remember her, and to give us closure.  We both knew we wanted a name that was spiritual or biblical, and Scott suggested the name of one of the theological angels. When we went down the list, we both agreed right away we had found the perfect one:




He looked at the picture and said, "Look at it, it's you".  So our little angel is Heaven will be Ariel Lynne Gaines.  It feels nice to have a name when we talk about her.

To our sweet angel Ariel,
Mommy and Daddy miss you and are so glad you have found your home in Heaven.  Take care of your sibling and we will see you again someday.  We love you!

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”  - Matthew 19:14

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Married to my best friend.  Infertile Myrtle.  Multiple miscarriage survivor to 2 angels in Heaven.  Blogger. Vlogger. Photographer.  Sports are my therapy.
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